Sometimes you don't know where you've been until you get far enough away from it to turn around and look back. And maybe I'm still not far enough away from the events of the last year, the last five-plus years, to really understand but I am feeling like things have changed and I'm finally back heading in a direction of my choice. Although it does feel like a whole bunch of directions and choices have opened up in front of me so I'll have to thoughtfully consider where I go from here.

Periodic table for potters. Adapted from Varshneya, Fundamentals of Inorganic Glasses , Tables 3.2 and 3.3 Courtesy Ceramic Materials Workshop.

After over five years of care-taking for my elderly mother here on my farm, and an additional eight to nine years of keeping tabs on and overseeing the arrangements for my aunt's care and my father's care back in New York prior to her coming out to live with us, I no longer have to split my mental energy and time (for the most part) between their priorities and mine. There's something soul-sapping about trying to take care of two lives with the sets of needs and desires at the same no matter how much you love the person you're helping. In my experience, it's doubly hard if the relationship is not the healthiest. To accommodate my mother's worsening health since the beginning of the year, I ended up putting my entire livelihood, business and practice on hiatus, a decision I hoped I would never have to make but one that was necessary.

There's a term in Buddhism regarding the process of death called the Bardo "the state of existence intermediate between two lives on earth," but more than that it describes the state between anything that ends and another begins, that sense of swirling, the lack of clarity, the non-movement before the next journey. That's pretty much where I've been since August. Mom died and now I face my life again. I'm giving myself a year to gather myself and take the small steps back into my flow. My head has been in such a fractured place so as a way of restarting my journey, I decided to do some continuing education to help stimulate structured thought related to my work, something to feed my soul, a sense of taking care of my need for learning and my desire to be better and more knowledgable in my work.

Pottery can conjure up a very calm, fun, hobby-like activity, which it very much can be, but as any potter will tell you, once hooked, you really are just opening a huge can of worms. Pottery and ceramics have been practiced for thousands of years. That's a lot of knowledge. Once you start playing in dirt, if you wish to keep pursuing it, particularly professionally, you quickly find out how much there is to learn. It's not just aesthetics, for any functional work, there's practical design concept and fundamentally, you must know your materials because if you don't, they will make themselves and their properties known to you in glaze and clay flaws. The chemistry behind the materials is intimidating for most because artists are often shunted into an either/or way of thinking about the science. You're either an artist-type OR you're a science-type. However, if you really want to take control of your studio practice, you have to confront the technical side. Since so much of my life has felt so out of control, this pursuit of the technicalities of clay and glaze is fulfilling that need and desire.

Stull map, courtesy CeramicMaterialsWorkshop.com

The things I make from here on out may change a bit. They may change radically. They may not change at all initially but one thing I do know, they will change because I've changed from this whole life experience.

I'm finishing up one glaze class and starting two in January. My plans are to do one outdoor show —assuming COVID is not a danger— in 2022 to restart that part of my business and continue to stock the galleries that have stuck with me through this last year. Basically, just to get my feet under me again. So we shall see where we go from here but I am enjoying the learning. Shout out to Ceramic Materials Workshop for all the fun brain work.

Reclaiming my time